heaven's confidant

Random Quote Friday #13

2008-05-16T04:25:00.002-05:00

"If we wait for the moment when everything, absolutely everything, is ready, we shall never begin."--Ivan Turgenev

Random Quote Friday #12

2008-05-09T00:44:00.000-05:00

"In our lives, we have two or three opportunities to be a hero, but almost every day, we have the opportunity not to be a coward."--Spanish proverb

Random Quote Friday #11

2008-04-18T00:10:00.000-05:00

"Me"--Tamia

Love was a former owner, but quiet is renting our house
It seizes my lips from speaking, but forms a sarcastic smile
Suspense now raised one of your eyebrowes
You ask me if there's someone else
I replied yes, hell yes
You asked me if it's another man, I say no
You laughed and say is it a woman, I say yeah
Surprisingly you asked me for honey's name

-chorus-
And her name is me,
And she loves me more than you'll ever know
And I finally see that loving you and loving me
Just don't seem to work at all
So patiently, she's waiting on me to tell you
That she needs love
And to choose between you two, boy you know
If I have to choose, I choose me

-verse-
And she told me to tell you to never to hurt me again
Cuz if you haven't heard she's a bad chick
Even though I haven't been, no
Yet and still you try and test me by raisin' an angry hand
Put it down, put it down

I'm leavin don't try and stop me, (no)
I'm late and she is waiting, (yes)
My love for me is too much so I can't stay

-chorus-
And her name is me,
And she loves me more than you'll ever know
And I finally see that loving you and loving me
Just don't seem to work at all
So patiently, she's waiting on me to tell you
That she needs love
And to choose between you two, boy you know
If I have to choose, I choose

Cuz she's actually formin' a threesome
And I'm happy that I can join them, and
Their names are me, myself and I

-chorus-
And her name is me,
And she loves me more than you'll ever know
And I finally see that loving you and loving me
Just don't seem to work at all
So patiently, she's waiting on me to tell you
That she needs love
Gotta choose between you two, and you know if I had to choose
I'd choose me, me, I gotta go with me.

Random Quote Friday #10

2008-04-11T04:04:00.000-05:00

"Goodbye"--Lyfe Jennings

[Verse 1]
Sometimes makin up is easier than breakin up
We believe if we just fake it enough
We can trick ourselves into believin that we're still in love
But in our hearts we know that it's inevitable
Though it's hard to let you go I know I must

[Verse 2]
Sometimes memories just ain't enough
Sometimes you out grow the ones you love
Sometimes it's none of the above
It's just the fact that people change
No one's to blame
There ain't nothin that stays the same
So we sit around and cry
Because neither one of us wants to be the first to say
Goodbye

[Verse 3]
Sometimes givin 2nd chances is easier than dealing with the fact that
Once the trust is gone you could never get it back
But you're holdin on because you're afraid of bein alone
So here you are holdin on to somethin that's already gone
And don't act like it's the first time you've heard it in this song
Cause your heart done told you all along

If your momma done showed you right from wrong
No thing should hold you down this long
There's no one to blame nothin stays the same
So we sit around and cry because neither one of us wants to be the first to say goodbye
So let me be the first to say...GOODBYE!

Random Quote Friday #9

2008-04-04T02:38:00.003-05:00

"I Wanna Be Loved"--Eric Benet

Love once left me cold and gray
I had almost reached heaven
Just to feel it slip away
But life's too short to waste away
Being scared to take chances
Or so I've heard wise men say

I wanna be loved
Faithful and true
I wanna be loved
Ten million lifetimes with you
I wanna be loved
And after all I've been through
I'll let my heart take it's chances, just to be loved by you

Taste, touch, hear, see, feel me now girl
And you'll know I'm so ready
To exchange lifelong vows, yes I am
'Cause now you've shown me how God has smiled
On this chance and this moment
For this I've prayed all my life

I wanna be loved
Faithful and true
I wanna be loved
Ten million lifetimes with you girl
I wanna be loved
And after all I've been through
I'll let my heart take its chances, just to be loved by you

I wanna feel there's a reason for living again
I want us to fly far away
And I want my heart to sing the words only you can understand
So put your hand in mine, say a prayer tonight
So that we may find love

I wanna be loved
I want to be faithful and true
I wanna be loved
Ten million lifetimes with you baby
I wanna be loved
And after all I've been through
I'll let my heart take its chances, just to be loved by you

I want to be loved
Faithful and true
I want to be loved
Ten billion lifetimes, ten zillion, ten trillion lifetimes baby
And after all I've been through
I'll let my heart take a chance just to be loved by you
I'll let my heart take a chance just to be loved by you

Random Quote Friday #8

2008-02-22T10:23:00.002-06:00

"What we need to know about loving is no great mystery. We all know what constitutes loving behavior; we need but act upon it, not continually question it. Over-analysis often confuses the issue and in the end brings us no closer to insight. We sometimes become too busy classifying, separating, and examining, to remember that love is easy. It's we who make it complicated."
--Leo Buscaglia

Gratitude Thursday!!!!!!

2008-02-21T00:44:00.000-06:00

I'm grateful...

...for every day I am allowed to wake up in the morning and rest my head in the evening.

...my Granny's doing fine after her hernia surgery!

...for you becoming more transparent and focused concerning you and I. you're right, how could I not notice?J

...for friends that challenge me and aren't a bunch of "yes" women and men...

...for my parents finally getting a glimpse of what I do when they attended the advisors' workshop I conducted at the Big XII Conference on Black Student Government last weekend...

...for my youngest brother hanging out with his big sister and smiling the whole time!

...for little "sisters" that remind me that we both have a lot to work on when it comes to being "scary weirdos!!!"J

...for your musical apology through song lyrics...you still owe me an actual verbal one sir!

...for you calling to check on me after my recent post! you are hilarious with the "whose ass I have to come kick?" line!!!!!!J

...for your "golden birthday" that is coming up on Tuesday!!!! 26 on the 26th!!!

...for students--they truly are the reason I do what I do...

...for the fact that you could hear in my voice that I needed you and you called back...

...the "dirty thirty" is upon me (only 2 more days to go)!!!J

...the Creator is reminding me that patience is a virtue and the saying exists for a reason...

Random 33

2008-02-19T01:03:00.001-06:00

I’m stuck.

Don’t quite know how to quit you.

Feeling much like shit because of you.

I’m trying to force myself to flush you.

Down the toilet

Through the drain

Emptying into the sewer that has become where I keep my wasted thoughts of you.

It is there that these thoughts stew into hatred.

Boiling and bubbling over, I can remember how good you first tasted.

Reminded me of granny’s salmon croquettes and sweet potato pie,

You had my stomach full.

And though I should have politely declined when with heaping spoonfuls,

You promised me that we would have a more than delicious experience,

I sat quietly, hoping that you would be able to read the look in my eyes as insatiable and eager.

Gluttonous the way I was willing to feast on the love crumbs flying from your mouth.

Mere morsels of truth seasoned with manipulation and peppered with deception.

And now as I sit regurgitating what used to be,

Famished and love-starved,

I finally realize that you had no intentions of ever feeding this love at all…

Gratitude Thursday!!!!!!

2008-02-14T10:35:00.002-06:00

I'm grateful...

...we leave today for the Big XII Conference on Black Student Government!

...you drove yourself to the hospital with a 105.6 degree fever!!!

...I get to see my parents this weekend and my youngest brother too...

...all my Valentine's Day texts and phone calls...

...you admitted you keep one eye open when we kiss...

...that our friendship/sistership is growing by LEAPS and bounds!!!!

...you're finding your niche and your voice as a teacher!

...for the way I feel whenever you call me "Princess..."

...I get to see a few of my FAVORITE peeps while I'm in Stillwater this weekend!!!!

...it's only 9 more days to my "dirty thirty!!!!"

...I finally have a chair for my dissertation committee...

...for the way we are "re-learning" each other one conversation at a time...

...the Creator is preparing me to "not take _____ into my _____ year!!!!"

"It’s my bloggiversary, yeah yeah, bloggiversary!!!"

2008-02-10T22:01:00.000-06:00

Two years ago today, I began this journey into the world of blogging. It has proven to be both fun and not so fun, but it’s always been extremely interesting. I have learned quite a bit about myself, my writing style, and others, and I wouldn’t change any of my experiences! Yall crack me up!

With that being said, to commemorate my bloggiversary, I am extending the opportunity for yall to ask me any TWO questions that you would like for me to answer, with no censoring. This seems to be a popular post for people to do, and I haven’t done this in a while, so I thought I’d try it again.

You have until Wednesday, February 13^th to submit your questions through the comments box. I will post my answers by Thursday morning.

Happy thinking! J

Random Quote Friday #7

2008-02-08T00:43:00.000-06:00

"I have been astonished that men could die martyrs for their religion. I have shuddered at it. I shudder no more. I could be martyred for my religion. Love is my religion. And I could die for that. I could die for you."
--John Keats

Gratitude Thursday!!!!!!

2008-02-07T02:21:00.000-06:00

I'm grateful..

...we are taking some students to the Big XII Conference on Black Student Government next week and I am presenting an advisors' workshop!

...I was asked to be a board member for the Texas Youth Word Collective (a literacy program here in Austin)...

...I get to see my youngest brother next week!

...we got to share some laughs at Plucker's ("hell naw cocoa butter doesn't come from coconuts!")!J

...I'm attending a hoity-toity lunch with the president of our university and the staff in his office on Friday!J

...for your continued honesty and vulnerability...

...for being able to remember what it feels like to be desired...

...for conversations like this:
me: you make me smile, you know that?
him: i know. it's my gift and my job.

...my Grandpa would have been 83 years-old on February 8th! Happy birthday Cram! R.I.P....J

...my parents have been talking about getting re-married...to each other!!!!

...for everytime you ask "is this how it would be?" J

...for having a great time with my staff on Monday night at Main Event USA...

...the Creator is preparing me to enter my 30th year like Kanye West, "excuse me? were you saying something? uh uhn, you can't tell me NOTHING!" (16 days to go) J

"Dear God..." (re-post)

2008-02-05T01:18:00.000-06:00

**I got word that one of my classmates lost his father yesterday. I wanted to re-post this piece in honor of and in respect to him...**
~Angel

Dear God,

Are you there?

It’s me.

I know that we have an informal type of relationship,

However, this request is very much suit and tie.

You told me that all I had to do was ask and I would receive.

But what about when what I ask for

You don’t believe is best for me?

Or even when what I ask for,

You don’t provide for me?

I know there are times when You’ll test me—

Just to let me know that You can.

Defying all rationale and logic because You’re omnipotent.

Causing distress and discomfort to my being

Simply because You’re divine and You feel like it.

But I am only one person and I have become weak.

Soul weary from disappointment and a spirit overtaken with disillusionment.

I fear I have no fight left.

I fear I have no faith left.

I wish there was a correct way to answer my own questions.

A truly candid way to clearly convey my concern without being contrite.

An ending that could bring harmony to the otherwise uproarious opera booming in the musical of my mind.

Fortunately, the threat of sacrilege is too much to sacrifice what’s on my tongue to speak.

So I—

Search inwardly.

Smile outwardly.

And pray that since You know my heart,

You’ll continue to love me anyway…

"chocolate-covered"

2008-02-04T00:12:00.001-06:00

i’ve tried to keep my love for you a secret,

but to no avail.

at night when i’m asleep,

you are the last thing that tiptoes through my dreams.

in the morning when i’m awake,

you are what i look forward to the most.

and although my friends and family

don’t seem to understand this impassioned addiction,

i can’t help but like it because that means that i don’t have to share you with anyone.

you are able to satisfy something within me,

that is both starved and insatiable.

my dearest milk chocolate,

thank you for pleasing me like no man has been able to…

Random Quote Friday #6

2008-02-01T00:17:00.000-06:00

"Our feelings are our most genuine paths to knowledge. They are chaotic, sometimes painful, sometimes contradictory, but they come from deep within us. And we must key into those feelings... This is how new visions begin."
--Audre Lorde

"Mr. Clean"

2008-01-31T00:35:00.000-06:00

He told me he wanted to give me a tongue bath.

Starting at the tip of my nose,

Traveling to tingling earlobes,

And gently nibbling lips,

He wanted to make sure I was clean

enough for him to eat off of.

He told me he wanted to use his tongue as a loofah.

Applying lots of pressure on the hard to reach spots

While gliding gingerly across the soft spots.

He wanted to produce bubbles.

Working up a lather from the mixture of saliva,

Sweat,

Steam,

And sex,

He hurried to catch it all before it was washed away.

Folding,

Rolling,

Pointing,

And flattening his tongue,

he scrubbed me rigorously.

Religiously,

I prayed for the moment he would rinse me with his own sudsy film

And with probing fingers, wring out what’s left onto my skin--

Ultimately forcing me to add to the water already flowing through these pipes and down the drain…

Gratitude Wednesday!!!!!!

2008-01-30T00:23:00.000-06:00

I'm grateful...

...for the roses you surprised me with on Monday--they were beautiful sir (you do know red roses symbolize 'love', right?)!J

...for vulnerability revealed through email conversations...

...my Mama sent me an email to check on me and my Daddy called to check on me too this weekend (I really think they both just miss me)...J

...you listened while he talked about me--thank you so much for your friendship!J

...for having music in my life!!!! Gotta love Luther!

...you trust me as your friend to always be honest--you already know you can stay on my couch anytime!

...the "writer's bug" has stopped by to visit me, I hope she stays awhile...J

...I might have found you the perfect gift for your birthday next month!

...one of my friends from undergrad sent me an email that she is expecting twins in June!!!!

...the countdown until I turn 30 years old has officially begun! 25 more days left!!!J

...you're praying for clarity on the purpose we have in each others' lives...

...for the continued support of co-worker/friends!

...the Creator is working on me every. single. day!

"Anyone Who Had a Heart"--Luther Vandross

2008-01-29T01:28:00.000-06:00

**This is a very special dedication for a very special person...**

“ANYONE WHO HAD A HEART”

Anyone who ever loved
Could look at me
And know that I love you
Anyone who ever dreamed
Could look at me
And know I dream of you

Knowing I love you so
Anyone who had a heart
Would take me in her arms
And love me too
You, you couldn't really have a heart
And hurt me
Like you hurt me
And be so untrue
What am I to do

Every time you go away
I always say it's good bye dear
Loving you the way I do
I take you back
Without you I'd die dear
Knowing I love you so

Anyone who had a heart
Would take me in her arms
And love me too
You, you couldn't really have a heart
And hurt me
Like you've hurt me
And be so untrue
So what can I do

Knowing I love you so
Anyone who had a heart
Would take me in her arms
And love me too
You couldn't really have a heart
And hurt me
Like you hurt me
And be so untrue

Anyone who had a heart
Would love me too
Anyone who had a heart
Would surely take me in her arms
And, and always love me, and love me, love me
Why won't you

Anywone who had a heart
Would love me too
Anyone who had a heart
Would surely take me in her arms
And always love me, love me
Then why won't you

Anyone who had a heart
Would love me too
Anyone who had a heart
Would surely take me
Anyone would take me
Why, why won't you
No one's gonna love ya like I do
No one's gonna make you feel the way I do
Yeah
No one
No one, no one, no one, no one

Random 32

2008-01-28T00:25:00.000-06:00

if i pretended to be a canvas, would you paint me?

lie nude upon my back,

while you swirl primaries around my navel,

secondaries across my shoulder blades,

and complementaries through my hair.

if i promised to be a mound of clay, would you mold me?

dry brushing your fingertips

within my personal kiln,

i would love to be your monotype.

achromatic the way that my body engages itself with yours.

together,

we produce wax colors until they bleed from your darkened oil cup and my swollen pinch pot.

coated with the glaze from your papier-mâché,

the result is a collage tinted with hues similar to the shade of our lovemaking.

until tomorrow, this lithograph remains incomplete…

Random Quote Friday #5

2008-01-25T13:15:00.000-06:00

"You can’t make someone love you, all you can do is be someone who can be loved, the rest is up to the person to realize your worth."
--author unknown

Gratitude Thursday!!!!!!

2008-01-24T00:23:00.000-06:00

I'm grateful...

...my birthday is next month! Hell yeah for the "dirty thirty" as my Daddy calls it!J

...for conversations with my best male friend--I SOOOOOOO love you to pieces! Thank you for "getting" me...

...for vulnerable conversations...

...for all-girl birthday parties!!!!

...for our girltalk at Olive Garden, even though "hygienic Diana" kept laughing at us!

...for the look on your face the moment I whispered, "I could be everything for you..."

...you read my blog and instantly feel the need to check on me!

...I got another request to conduct a workshop for women!

...you wanted to come surprise me for Valentine's Day...

...you felt comfortable enough to share something so personal with me--I am truly humbled and honored...

...for the way you come up behind me and kiss me on the neck through the IM...J

...my advisor told me that I can be done with this Ph.d by May 2009!!!!!J

...the Creator continuously reminds me that I deserve only the best kind of love!!!!!!J

Random 31

2008-01-23T00:27:00.000-06:00

he
wanted
to keep our love
a secret.
have it
banished
to
upstairs closets
and
downstairs cellars.
lips
zipped tight
to prevent memories
from
spilling out
the corners.
eyes shut
tight
to keep
intimate images
locked
away.

he
wanted
to keep our love
from having breath.
choking
the sounds of
romance
as
they
sung
from
swollen lips
and
creaked
under
the
withered weight
of
a
broken
heart.
tears
flowing freely
in
a
pattern
that resembled
the way
he
would
sometimes
trace
her
smile.

he
wanted
to keep our love
to himself.
forbid
others' eyes
from
dancing
at
the thought
of her,
smiling
at
the mentioning
of her name,
sighing
at
the wonders
of everything that she
was--
but
he
couldn't.

and
now
he wishes
he
had
never
loved
her at
all...
at
least
that way,
she
could
finally
be
free...

I Wonder If...

2008-01-17T22:14:00.000-06:00

It's possible to love more than one person at the same time?

It's possible to masturbate so much that you lose all desire for the "real" thing?

A person can really, really, really wanna do the "right" thing, but they're working with the wrong dictionary?

You could ever love me enough to want to marry me?

I will get this new job?

I screamed at the top of my lungs, would I feel better?

The two of us could ever truly be happy?

You feel the same tingles that I do when we kiss?

I asked you very, very nicely, would you let me go...?

You think I'm too smart, independent, feisty, and sassy for my own good?

I'll ever have or want kids of my own someday?

You're going to hurt me again?

I prayed continuously from sun-up to sun-down would the hollow feeling go away?

You'll ever reach your full potential?

She'll ever be curious enough to pick up the phone and call me?

You think I'm cute too?

I'll ever get the courage to share my story with a therapist?

Having only me could ever be enough for you?

I will be motivated enough to finish this novel I've been working on?

I will ever be able to completely trust you?

Finishing this Ph.d will make life simpler or harder?

the Creator will ever give up on me like I've sometimes given up on myself?

Random Quote Friday #4

2007-12-07T01:15:00.000-06:00

"Loving is a feeling that brings both joy and pain to my heart. Joy from being with you, being filled with an emotion so deep and tender that no other feeling can compare. Pain from knowing that I'm so in love, that I'm more vulnerable than I've ever been."
--author unknown

Gratitude Wednesday!!!!!!

2007-12-05T01:42:00.000-06:00

I'm grateful...

...we close the residence halls on the 19th!!!!

...Jamaica was so much FUN!!! I can't wait 'til our next trip in February! Hell to the yeah for being grown!

...you called me last night. I wanted to pretend like I wasn't affected by your voice...but I don't think I did a good job of that...

...you've been trying to cheer me up for the past week. Thank you.

...my new cell phone is here!!!!!

...for Margie, the massage therapist who worked on me while I got the "headache spa package" last Thursday!

...for the ability to laugh out loud while watching "A Bee Movie" in the theater by myself in the middle of the afternoon...

...for our lunches at Mangia--even when our waiters seem to forget about us!

...that my invitation came in the mail yesterday for your graduation!!!! "uh git it meeeeeeeeeeeee!"

...for our very special "I talk/you text" conversation...

...the fun I had with a couple of co-worker/friends at the non-Greek stepshow this past weekend! For those of yall who don't get to interact with college students often, please believe that they are FUNNY as hell!!!!

...my youngest brother is enjoying his freshman year of college (as evidenced by his numerous party pics on his damn facebook page)!!!!!!

...that you pleasantly surprised me at my office yesterday. I miss talking to you sir!

...for the lovely flower bouquet that I was surprised with last week! Gotta love having friends!

...that the Creator forces me to ask myself the hard questions...

Random Quote Friday #3

2007-11-30T01:34:00.000-06:00

"It is impossible to fall out of love. Love is such a powerful emotion, that once it envelops you it does not depart. True love is eternal. If you think that you were once in love, but fell out of it, then it wasn't love you were in. There are no 'exit' signs in love, there is only an 'on' ramp."
--author unknown

Gratitude Thursday!!!!!!

2007-11-29T00:21:00.000-06:00

I'm grateful for...

...every single second.

...every single day.

...every single moment.

...every single breath.

...every single disappointment.

...every single smile.

...every single tear.

...every single obstacle.

...every single laugh.

...every single misstep.

...every single embrace.

...every single surprise.

...every single chance.

...every single opportunity to be alive.

Random 30

2007-11-27T00:02:00.000-06:00

She was like Jamaica.
Dangerously steep motives.
Curvaceously winding intentions.
She wanted to envelop me.

Plant me within her thick and lush forest, amidst the blooms of buttercups and morning glories.

Close enough to the edge for passersby to see me on the way to work or play.

The heat from her gaze was enough to set my soul ablaze.

She was transformative—in a way that left brains scattered and minds distracted.

One minute with her was similar to the holiest of herb.

Deliciously sinful, mind-alteringly intoxicating, all while being ironically therapeutic.

She was my high long before I ever took a puff.

Ssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss

Secluded.

Exclusive.

Isolated.

Amber sunrises melded into copper sunsets.

Crashing waves spoke the most foreign of languages against retreated coral shores.

She whispered in my ear that it was possible to enjoy the scenery without ever leaving the warmth created inside of this hotel room.

Eyes now closed, she seduced me into taking another puff…

Ssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss

…forcing me to imagine it always being like this…

I can only pray to never be cured of this addiction.

Gratitude Wednesday!!!!!!

2007-11-21T01:31:00.000-06:00

I'm grateful...

...for all blessings seen and unseen, voiced and unvoiced, felt and unfelt...

...that we had the chance (albeit a short one) to experience each other. I really wish you felt like you deserve to be happy sir...I really do...

...I'm leaving for Jamaica tomorrow morning!!! I'm coming Winston! I'm coming baby! hahahah

...that even though our relationship ebbs and flows, we always find our way back to each other...

...for your patience. You really are crazy about me, huh?

...that I could help you by choosing your engagement photo wardrobe--you're gonna be hot!

...for girlfriends that always have my back and show me by making telephone calls and sending emails! LMAO!

...for my new homemade jewelry! I can't wait until you start having your own jewelry parties girl!

...my Mama called me like I was one of her girlfriends to tell me that my Daddy had invited her to come with him to his aunt's for Thanksgiving! It was too cute and I was too honored...

...for working relationships that have slowly turned into actual friendships...

...for the invitation to the house party. I care about you more than you probably realize and I will always support you and the decisions that you make...

...for being considered cute enough to be "hit on" by random women... hahahahah

...one of my male student staff members has been checking up on me because he's concerned about me dating wack dudes! hahahahaha

...the Creator is good all the time and all the time the Creator is good!!!!

"Coffee"

2007-11-20T00:43:00.001-06:00

He nicknamed me coffee.

I thought it was because of how much heat it took to get me hot or how strong I became when he poured his thick cream inside my chocolate pot.

But he told me it was neither.

Told me that he called me coffee for two reasons:

One, because he thoroughly enjoyed dipping his spoon into my liquid love.

Stirring clockwise with his right index finger, counterclockwise with his tongue.

Two, because he preferred my robust flavor.

Similar to roasted beans he pressed my flesh solid, grinding my love like granules until I ran

in-between his fingers like sand…

Random Quote Friday #2

2007-11-16T01:54:00.000-06:00

“I try to talk to you, but I don't know what to say. I am afraid you don't want me to say anything. So I don't. But inside of me there are words waiting to come out. And tell you how I feel--like how I miss you. And how I love you despite my broken heart. And how I need you in my life. And especially how much I want you. But those words may forever stay in my heart locked inside. Sometimes I wonder if there are words locked inside you too...but I'll never know.”
--author unknown

Random 29

2007-11-13T01:38:00.000-06:00

Blew my mind when he told me ‘no’.

Said he wanted to trace the arch of my brow instead of the arch in my back.

Said he wanted to travel through the folds of my familiar instead of the folds of my flesh.

Said he wanted to take his time as he learned me.

My temperament and passions.

My behavior and personality.

My challenges and complexities.

My insecurities and joys.

My friends and family.

Said it wouldn’t require much thought.

Said it wouldn’t utilize much time.

Said he just wanted me to be prepared.

Prepared to answer the questions in his eyes.

Prepared to question the answers that I would inevitably find there.

He said this without hesitation.

He said this without prompting.

He said that ultimately, all he really wanted—was for me to be available…

…and for me to be his…

Random 28

2007-11-12T00:25:00.000-06:00

He asked me to get naked—

So I did.

Disrobed my doubts.

Unbuttoned my fears.

Pulled down my pride.

Lifted my skin.

And stood there—

Still—

With my soul exposed.

Heart beating rapidly.

Staring longingly.

At me.

Through me.

While he contemplated which piece of me he was going to devour deliciously…

Random Quote Friday #1

2007-11-09T00:02:00.000-06:00

“Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it. It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don't risk anything, you risk even more.”
--Erica Jong

Gratitude Wednesday!!!!!!

2007-11-07T00:04:00.000-06:00

I’m grateful…

…I’ll be in Jamaica in 15 days!!!!!

…this week I enrolled for my last semester of doctoral coursework!!!!

…for your vulnerability and honesty even if it is only through the phone—we’ll see what happens when we are face to face sir…

…for your always funny, but always honest drunken cell phone confessions…

…my mama sent my updated car tag sticker so I didn’t have to drive all the way home to get it…

…for memories of kisses that make me smile…

…for the words you wrote as well as the words you spoke…

…for friends who so willingly accept whomever I like…

…for fight or flight reactions…

…for participating in a game of “intellectual fisticuffs” with someone and being able to hold my damn own!!!!

…that our recent conversation reminded us that we do truly share the same spirit…

…for your new-found confidence and assertiveness—it’s kinda sexy…

…for the male friends in my life who remind me that I’m special…

…that I called first…even though you didn’t answer and didn’t call back...it was fun while it lasted…

…the Creator is forcing me to deal with pride and ego in a way that I’m not used to, but in a way that is proving to be just what I needed…

"Slow Death"

2007-11-05T00:10:00.000-06:00

It feels like I’m slowly dying…
trying to wriggle my neck out of your constant grasp.
It smothers me.
It feels like I’m falling fast…
headed towards a shallow grave of pebbles and stones.
I can’t escape.
The sickness that sits in my belly like smothered porkchops,
heavy with humiliation and embarrassment.
I wanna love you freely and receive that in return.
But instead I suffer from disillusionment and punch drunkenness
brought about by “loving daddy’s dick” so much.
It would be so much easier if I were allergic to your charm,
blind to your beautiful smile and shining eyes,
deaf to the romantic love jewels that fall from your lusciously thick lips.
But I’m not.
And thus I'm forced to feel like I’m slowly dying…

Gratitude Thursday!!!!!!

2007-11-01T00:20:00.000-05:00

I'm grateful...

...for the way my oldest nephew says, "where you at aunnie?" when i talk to him on the phone...HEE-LARRY-TEE!!!!

...for buying more cute shirts last night!!!!

...for the email you sent that started with "i can't do this anymore. i miss you..."

...that you want me to bring "validity" to the project that you want to start for underprivileged girls...i am truly honored and humbled by your request...

...that you said you would fight for me...

...for the Sister's Keeper Empowerment Conference i attended last weekend--guess what? not only did i present a workshop, i was the keynote speaker during lunch on the last day!!!!!!

...for the way that you and my Granny calmed me down and re-assured me that i could do it, when i was pacing around worrying about delivering that damn keynote speech...

...for dinner at El Chico followed by poetry in Killeen with my friend/soror!!!!

...hearing your voice was a little "odd" too, but yes, i was smiling with you...

...for the "story of us" that you've started writing--even though you've only sent me the prologue so far...

...that you saved me one of the homemade "mouse" cookies you baked for your Halloween office party yesterday!!!

...our trip to Jamaica is in 22 days!!!!!!!

...my administrative assistant has had a perfect key inventory for the second month in a row!!!!!

...for all of the women in attendance at the conference last weekend who challenged me to continue learning, leading, laughing, and loving...

...that i get to see you this weekend!!!!! you owe me a massage, remember...?J

...for the way that you sneak up behind me and kiss me on the neck...even if it's only through the IM!!!! hahahahahha

...the Creator gave me a mind that's capable of making its own decisions...

"Finding Voice" (incomplete)

2007-10-30T00:02:00.000-05:00

I am just beginning to find my voice.
Follow it as it swallows syllables and vibrates against vowels.
Its pitch changes with my passion.
I am just deciding to trust my voice.
Understanding that with every boom there is a balance
And within every pause there is power.
Redemption songs of a people wronged echo in my ear
As my Granny says to me, “you know, George Bush ain’t the only one that doesn’t care about Black people—Black people don’t care about Black people either…”
As I jump to disagree and defend my fellow revolutionaries,
I bite my tongue—must be because God don’t like ugly…
And I was just about to become Medusa in this muthaf*cka…

Gratitude Wednesday!!!!!!

2007-10-24T01:28:00.000-05:00

I'm grateful...

...for the fabulous time I had at home this past weekend!

...that I was the first person you thought of when your plane was struck by lightning...

...for the revealing and vulnerable conversation in the car...

...for being able to see my brother in his element and realizing that *sigh* yep, he's growing up...

...for the laugh that came from my mouth and through my eyes when my nephew said, "Aunnie, I go to da monkey!" (referring to a moonwalk with a huge monkey on the top at a carnival during my undergrad homecoming)...

...for our awesome movie watching experience...you don't have to admit it, but I saw you getting kinda emotional...

...for an opportunity that might have presented itself for me to move back home and work for my undergraduate institution!!!!!

...for being able to see a good friend before he's deployed to South Korea...

...for the two and a half hour "discussion" we had about interracial dating...I'm so "appreciative" that yall care so much about who I'm dating!!!! hahahhahahahahah

...that even after all this time, you still want to "send for me"...

...for the awesome opportunity to share and grow with some wonderful young Black women at this weekend's 1st annual "Am I My Sisters' Keeper" conference at the University of Kansas...

...that you still look at me like we just met...

...this past weekend I was appointed to my undergraduate's Black Alumni Association board of directors!!!!

...that you continue to stop by my blog--even though we don't talk anymore...I kinda miss you too...

...that my "mini vacation" is coming here to see me next weekend! I can't wait to see you sir...

...that kissing you is something I never seem to be able to forget how to do...

...the Creator has placed challenges in my life to test my strength, my commitment, and my faith...

Random 27

2007-10-23T00:04:00.000-05:00

I missed you today.

Woke up and tripped over two dirty ass tube socks, an empty hot pockets box, and playstation controllers.

I thought I had put them away.

I missed you today.

Scrubbed tubs, sinks, and toilet bowls—

envious that they got to wear a ring of yours and I didn’t.

I missed you today.

Pulled on a blouse, slacks, and the forest green matching bra and panty set you liked so much.

*sigh*

But the truth is, I hate green and I wish I could find the damn receipt to return them.

I missed you today.

Descended the stairs, car keys and laptop bag in hand.

Pulled the door open and took three steps onto the porch.

Climbed into the car and buckled my seatbelt.

With one last sigh I put the car in reverse and smiled as I glanced at the heaping mounds of trash piled on the curb with the remains of what used to be your things—your clothes, your shoes, your pictures, your cds and dvds, and your tools—

And I realized…

I don’t miss you as much as I thought…

Gratitude Wednesday!!!!!!

2007-10-17T00:18:00.000-05:00

I'm grateful...

...one of my nephews turned a "big boy" three years-old yesterday and he called to tell me about it on my cell phone!!!

...I get to see my family this weekend when I go home Thursday for my undergraduate homecoming!!!!

...I bought the cutest shirts this past weekend...

...for the movie date we have planned when I get home on Thursday--thank you for the offer to pick me up from the airport too sir, but I got it!!!

...the sorority sisterhood social I attended last weekend wasn't as bad as I thought it was gonna be...

...the building dedication celebration for our newest residence hall went FABULOUSLY last week!!! the building was named for an influential Black woman who was like a mother to many of the first Black students here at the university...

...it's already October!!!

...for the "random facts" we share with each other nightly...

...for our recent IM conversation where you said "you know I have a weakness for you..."

...next week I present a workshop at the first annual "Am I My Sister's Keeper" conference hosted by the University of Kansas...

...your knee surgery went well and he's doing a good job of taking care of you...

...that you're so comfortable telling people that "we're dating..."

...that Jamaica is gonna be here in five weeks!!!!

...the Creator finds a way to remind me that this is all happening because I deserve you...

Random 26

2007-10-15T01:32:00.000-05:00

My first name is his favorite word--

Followed closely by “please” and “baby.”

He seldom gives me what I want.

But always gives me what I need.

Having me getting brain freeze reminiscing about the work he does on his knees.

Doesn’t want to tease.

Doesn’t want to play games.

Simply wants to bathe me with his eyelashes

And rinse me with his tongue…

Recognition #16

2007-10-12T02:05:00.000-05:00

It is that time again, time for my month-long season of fasting, praying, listening, and learning in honor of Ramadan. Last year, I posted daily affirmations (I called them “positivisms”) that reflected the energy and blessings I needed in my life. This year, I am choosing to recognize not only the positive space that my soul is currently in, but to acknowledge the extremely important people in my life who have assisted me in getting there. So until October 13^th, I will take each day to post a few short sentences about one person in my life that has had a pivotal role in making me the person I am now. Because at the end of the day, we truly are only representatives of the company we keep and the people from who we came—and all I pray is that my reflection is honorable…

~fallen angel

Recognition #16

Love—Thank you for continuously being a part of my life. There are many people who can only wish to experience you at least once in their lifetime, while I have been fortunate enough to not only know you, but know you well. All of the feelings (positive and negative) that have come as a result of you being in my life have made me such a better friend, sister, lover, daughter, student, co-worker, etc. Although “so many people use your name in vain,” that is something I would never dream of doing. I know full well your capacity and potential and I truly value the weight you carry. Thank you for never straying too far from my mind or too far from my heart…

Recognition #15

2007-10-11T00:32:00.000-05:00

~fallen angel

Recognition #15

A. S., T. L., F. B., M. C., A. C., C. H., and C. S.—Thank you for being one helluva group of co-workers! There are plenty of people who everyday dread the thought of getting up and beginning their work day, simply because of the work that they do or because of the people that they do that work with. I know that I am extremely fortunate to have colleagues who not only enjoy working with me, but whom I also enjoy working with! Honestly, it is only through relationships like these that I have been able to grow into a better professional. Thank you.

Gratitude Wednesday!!!!!!

2007-10-10T00:06:00.000-05:00

I'm grateful...

...for my Daddy calling to check on me...

...for the great weekend I had with my bestest friend and for the extra fun we had with our other K-State friend/soror...

...for the extra sassy pics my Granny took!!!!!

...for letting go for real this time...

...the last day of Ramadan is Friday!

...for the way that you call me "babe..."

...you brought your girlfriend over to meet me...

...our university unveiled a new statue on campus yesterday of César Chávez (believe me, it's a very BIG deal)!!!!!

...for old episodes of "Sex in the City" that make me miss my friends from grad school...

...that even though some of our conversations tempt me to keep my wall up, I appreciate that you haven't given up on me...J

…that I no longer allow certain things to stifle my spirit...

...that everyday it gets a little easier...

...my administrative assistant had a perfect key inventory so I'm treating him to a fancy lunch as a reward!

...I get to see my youngest brother next weekend when I go to my undergraduate homecoming!!!

...the Creator keeps blessing me with clarity and comfort...

Recognition #14

2007-10-08T00:04:00.000-05:00

~fallen angel

Recognition #14

J. F.—Thank you for finally doing enough to make me let go. We had been playing this back and forth game of love for about seven years too long, all the while secretly knowing that neither of us was playing as hard or as well as we could have been. Even when the game should have long ago been over, we continued to dress up and play the role, hoping that somehow we could make the story feel as real as we made it look. I can now admit that I was hanging on because we were comfortable—YOU were comfortable. And I can also admit that I’m a different size now and we, nor you, fit me anymore. I have no regrets. I have no ill-will. I have no hard feelings. As usual, I always have and always will only want what’s best for you...but what's best for me has to come first. Thank you for loving me the best way that you knew how because ultimately, that is what forced me to realize that it was not enough…

Recognition #13

2007-10-05T00:36:00.000-05:00

~fallen angel

Recognition #13

Blog Family—Thank yall for supporting, reading, asking questions, laughing, reading some more, leaving comments, lurking (don’t yall know I have a site meter?), encouraging, inspiring, and partaking in my passion. I started doing this because a good friend kept “pushing” me to join her and some other poets. Now, posting has become as therapeutic as any counselor’s couch or lover’s embrace could ever be. Thank you for always accepting me for the “fallen” angel that I am…

Recognition #12

2007-10-04T00:33:00.000-05:00

~fallen angel

Recognition #12

A. U., K. C., S. T., W. G., P. G., T. J., K. N., and S. R.—Thank you for representing males in such a way that has kept me in awe for more than ten years. I feel sorry for those people who lack the familiarity and comfort of a good male friend and who have never truly experienced the intimate value of male energy. I have grown in leaps and bounds because of my connection to each of yall. Whether you have taken the role of brother, lover, homey, or fellow rabble-rouser, I take solace in knowing that I have the absolute best set of equals that any person (let alone any woman) could ask for. Whether you have called me sister, friend, lover, poet, or just plain silly, please know that everyday I am blessed and extremely appreciative for the space and place that yall occupy in my life. Thank you.

Gratitude Wednesday!!!!!!

2007-10-03T00:41:00.000-05:00

I'm grateful...

...for the DELICIOUSLY FABULOUS weekend we had!!! I appreciate you pulling out all the stops to "woo" me sir...if this is a dream, damn I hope I don't wake up!

...Granny said the furniture looks great in the living room!

...for cheddar bay biscuits while watching that little boy sit by himself (I guess his mama thought he was old enough, huh?)...

...lasagna, italian cut green beans, "fancy" salad, french bread, and a cherry crisp while Mozart played in the background...don't yall wish yall had my mini-vacation spot!?!?J

...that you "claim" you're going to send my money...

...for kisses that communicate without words how much you've missed me...

...that our students participating in the Jena 6 walk-out this past Monday were all safe and conducted themselves accordingly.

...for my awesome student staff!!!!!!

...my best friend is coming to visit this weekend!!!!!

...for the beautiful flowers I received this past Friday!!!! Thank you!!!J

...for the ability to have more dental work done because I have some GOOD insurance!!!!

...9 more days of Ramadan!

...now that you have your money we're really going to JAMAICA for Thanksgiving!! Let the countdown officially begin!!!!!!!

...for these types of conversations:
me: why you keep looking at me like that?
him: just drinking it all in.
me: what?
him: I won't get to see you for another month. I wanna enjoy this moment.

...for hilariously uncomfortable conversations about bodily functions...

...that despite your sincere efforts to be "good," talking to me always gives you "problems..."J

...that I heard a song yesterday that reminded me of you--and I didn't cry this time...

...the Creator is exposing me to a side of myself that I didn't even know existed...

Recognition #11

2007-10-02T00:09:00.000-05:00

~fallen angel

Recognition #11

Poetry—Thank you for rescuing me from myself. Thank you for giving voice and vision to the sounds and images that dance around in my head. Thank you for keeping my secrets and sharing my successes. Thank you for listening without talking. Thank you for challenging without judging. Thank you for helping me communicate my passions and elevate my levels of thinking. Thank you for giving me a reason to continue living…

Recognition #10

2007-10-01T00:08:00.000-05:00

~fallen angel

Recognition #10

D. G.—Thank you for not just being a breath of fresh air—but for being the entire gust! Your kindness, sincerity, and thoughtfulness have reminded me of what it’s supposed to be like when you simply enjoy being around someone. Words cannot describe how appreciative I am of the gentle way you take care of me and for the much-needed calmness you bring into my life. Who would have known that the girl you didn't really know back then, would be fortunate enough to be the woman you do really want to know now? Thank you.

Recognition #9

2007-09-28T00:59:00.000-05:00

~fallen angel

Recognition #9

J. S.—Thank you for not just being my close friend, but for truly being my sister. I still shake my head sometimes and wonder how out of all the sorors that I met, it was you and I that developed the tightest bond (and you had already graduated)! When I look at you I not only see myself, but I see how far I’ve grown in my associations with women. The friendship/sisterhood that has grown between us is something that I constantly thank the Creator for—honestly. Thank you.

Gratitude Thursday!!!!!!

2007-09-27T00:21:00.000-05:00

I'm grateful...

...HAPPY BIRTHDAY "Bunkin" (my youngest brother turns 19 years old today)!!!!

...you care about my safety and want me to just wait until Saturday morning to drive to come see you (I already promised to be careful though if I do come on Friday night sir)...

...that after all of the househunting, I have finally narrowed my choices down to two houses!!!!

...I was able to buy my Granny an awesome birthday gift! I can't wait to see how the new furniture looks in the living room!!!!

...for the awesomely comfortable conversations me and one of my brothers always seem to have--even if we haven't spoken in weeks...I promise I'm gonna get to Atlanta this year!

...for the interesting time we had at your cousin's boxing match and at the Christian poetry event.

...for the WONDERFUL time I had when I went home this past weekend! Me, my mama, and my daddy took my 2 year old nephew to his first state fair!!! He won a blue and white stuffed clownfish all by himself (like the main character on "Finding Nemo")!

...for the all-around "stimulating" conversations we continue to have about the purpose we have in each other's life...

...for our fellowship of the wings at a new location!!! J (but minus one L)

...that you continue trying to talk to me even after I've already taken my "sleepy" medicine...

...that your nickname for me is "Buttercup..."

...that our budding relationship challenges the way that I think--and I LOVE it!!!!!

...that I can be honest with you about the way I feel about you--and not run hiding after I say it...

...the Creator continues blessing me with peace, even when it seems like I don't welcome it...

Recognition #8

2007-09-26T00:09:00.000-05:00

~fallen angel

Recognition #8

Bio-D—Thank you for being one of the main sources of confusion in my life. While I am not blaming, criticizing, finger-pointing, or name-calling, I do hold you at least a little bit responsible for the way that I interact with men. Your extended absence (and subsequent re-emergence) was my introduction into this coat of commitment-phobia that I have seemingly grown so comfortable wearing. I was recently reminded by a friend that most women run towards men that remind them of their fathers. Thankfully, I am not most women.

Recognition #7

2007-09-25T00:05:00.000-05:00

~fallen angel

Recognition #7

B. E., J. M., J. U., and C. S.—Thank you for being such awesome supervisors! All four of yall have contributed to and shaped my existence as a professional in the student affairs field. I admire something uniquely different about all of yall and treasure the friendships that we have developed over the years. I am always proud whenever someone mentions that they think I’m a good professional—because I know that I am only emulating the caliber of professionalism, leadership, and service that I was raised under. Thank you.

Recognition #6

2007-09-24T00:03:00.000-05:00

~fallen angel

Recognition #6

“Cram”—Thank you Grandpa for setting the tone for what a man should do, be, say, look, and act like. Although I was too young at the time to realize it, I now know that what you and Granny shared was a love that was beyond words and comprehension. To this day, I compare all men to you. Unfortunately, very few have measured up—I wonder if any ever will…Thank you.

Gratitude Thursday!!!!!! (200th Post)

2007-09-20T00:26:00.000-05:00

I'm grateful...

...for the fabulous weekend we had together! My favorite restaurant, more house hunting, laughing, hand holding, patience, intimate conversation, meeting friends, restful sleep, and "superman-ing." What else can I say? You continue to impress me sir...and I LOVE it...J

...for epiphanies and "borderline eleven" comments that make me blush...

...my youngest brother turns 19 next week! I can remember when he wasn't even born!!!!

... the Jamaica trip for Thanksgiving is back on!!!!

...I'm going home this weekend and I'm gonna go to the state fair and a poetry event while I'm there!

...I received the paperwork for the conference I'm doing a workshop for in Kansas next month and SURPRISE--I'm receiving an honorarium!

...for the pride and humility I felt yesterday during our campus' Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. statue re-dedication ceremony.

...for the National Day of Action (complete with rallies, protests, and vigils) happening today in honor of the Jena 6 situation (people are being asked to wear black to show their support).

...that you're doing so well in your new job. Of course they think you're great--you are!

...for the pluckin' good time I always have with my girls whether we're eating, writing, or laughing!

...that you and your girlfriend made time to spend with me and my other friends. I miss you too!
...you called me because you're interested in starting a poetry collective for your students...

...for the way your voice changes when you answer the phone and hear my voice...

...for my new "favorite" phrase: "if you don't play the lottery, you'll never win..."J

...that the Creator has placed you in my life to challenge what I say versus what I do...

Recognition #5

2007-09-19T00:34:00.000-05:00

~fallen angel

Recognition #5
Stonegate Elementary—Thank you for being the foundation for my love of learning. According to my zip code and skin shade, it wasn’t even the school I was supposed to attend, however, my mama knew better and she expected better, so on the bus I went everyday for the 30-45 minute trip. I could have easily been one of those children Bush would have preferred to leave behind, but with teachers like Mrs. Lower, Mrs. Jennings, Mrs. Mayshack, and Mrs. Ruble, I was well on my way to success (yes, I remember all of yall)! Thank you.

Recognition #4

2007-09-18T02:10:00.000-05:00

~fallen angel

Recognition #4
C. W.—Thank you for first teaching me how to give and receive love. Although our paths have sometimes merged and other times missed each other, I realize that it was you who first taught me about “always and forever.” We were only 13 at the time, yet what we had then, laid the eventual foundation of what I wished, hoped, dreamed, and prayed to find in a life partner now. Never in my life will I be able to repay you for that feeling sir. Thank you.

Recognition #3

2007-09-17T00:40:00.000-05:00

~fallen angel

Recognition #3
Daddy—Thank you for stepping in when you didn’t have to. For taking the role of father for a little girl that you didn’t create. At no time during my 29 years on this planet have I been made to feel any less worthy, less supported, less loved, less special, or less important than my brothers. Like the saying goes, you can’t choose your parents, so this is my way of saying that I am really glad that you chose your child. Thank you.

Recognition #2

2007-09-14T12:32:00.000-05:00

~fallen angel

Recognition #2

Mama—Thank you for not only having me, but for giving birth to me. I now realize that I have always been a reflection of greatness, and that should be credited to you. I have never fully acknowledged the balance you provide to my life and I’d like to do so now. I can only be the woman I was raised to be, and fortunately, I was raised correctly. Thank you.

Recognition #1

2007-09-13T23:39:00.000-05:00

~fallen angel

Recognition #1

Granny—Thank you for being the woman that I can only hope to one day become. Your grace, beauty, wit, emotion, advice, and sense of humor are what have kept me focused and wanting to do the right thing. There is no way that I could ever imagine being a woman if I had not had you as a part of my life. Thank you.

Gratitude Wednesday!!!!!!

2007-09-12T23:56:00.000-05:00

I’m grateful…

…that I get to see you this weekend! My friends can’t wait to meet you—please be on your best behavior… J

…that my friend is coming to Austin for work so I get to see her this weekend too!

...my parents visit a couple of weeks ago was fabulous!

…my staff this year is definitely a joy to work with (so far)…

…my Granny’s birthday was Tuesday. She is now a sassy and spirited 81 years old! My Bio-D, youngest brother, and best male friend also have birthdays this month!

…that I am now (and have been for the past two months) officially house-hunting! J

…for the extremely thorough and detailed research my best female friend has been providing as I journey down the road to home ownership!

…Ramadan begins tomorrow!

…Jamaica might be out for Thanksgiving, but another destination is brewing…

…the Creator is blessing me with renewed perspectives on plenty of things…

Outta Pocket (Again)!

2007-08-18T21:10:00.000-05:00

Sorry yall, I'm busy with student staff training and student move-in. I'll be back at the end of August! J
~~Angel

National Poetry Slam 2007 (Final Update)

2007-08-13T09:47:00.000-05:00

Good Monday morning everybody! Let me jump right in for those of yall who don’t already know the outcome of the 2007 National Poetry Slam from this past weekend.

Friday Night:

Semi-Finals: Team Neo-Soul was battling Chicago-Green Mill, Dallas, Honolulu, and Killeen. For those of yall not from around here, yep, that’s three teams from Texas in the same semi-finals match! Crowd support was crazy! At the end of the night, Killeen came in first, with Dallas coming in second place. Team Neo-Soul ended up with a hard-won fourth place finish! “Nevermind the points, clap for the poets!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Individual Finals: It began with the 10 individual poets who had been bringing the most heat all week! Included in that 10 were Christopher Michael (a poet from the Killeen team), Michael Guinn (a poet from Ft. Worth), and Shannon Leigh (a poet on the Atlanta team, but she was poet-born and poet-bred right here in Austin)! Needless to say, again, the hometown love was RIDICULOUS! At the end of the night, Christopher Michael and Danny Sherrard (a poet from Seattle had tied for first place)! After a tie-breaker poem, Danny Sherrard took first place with Christopher Michael taking second place, and Shannon Leigh (the ONLY female reppin’ in the individual finals) taking third place!

Saturday Night:

Team Finals: So after all of the semi-final bouts, here was the line-up:

Charlotte - Slam Charlotte
Denver - Slam Nuba
Killeen, TX
New York - Louder ARTS
New York - Nuyorican

Please believe that the poets on these teams were kickin’ MAJOR ass with their pieces! There were a number of group pieces AND individual pieces. The Slam Charlotte team secured their lead from the very beginning and remained there the ENTIRE bout (damn you Queen Sheba—I still have my crush on you)! The Killeen team and both New York teams were neck in neck with the points to grab the second place trophy and at the end of the night…Killeen snatched the second place trophy! More crazy celebration filled with hometown love for these poets! I would be remiss if I did not mention that the Killeen team’s story is similar to Team Neo-Soul’s story from last year. This was their first time taking a team to Nationals and after all was said and done, they fought their way right to SECOND place in the nation!!!!

I am tremendously proud of all the teams and the poets. The amount of talent, creative writing, support, and emotion was more than I could ever try to sum up in this post. For yall’s sake, if poetry is TRULY your thing, you’ll have a seat at next year’s National Poetry Slam, hosted in Madison, Wisconsin.

National Poetry Slam 2007 (Update #2) & Gratitude Thursday!

2007-08-09T01:20:00.001-05:00

Tonight was HOT HOT HOT! I'm saying, if yall aren't here, then yall are REALLY missing out! There are some poets here that are truly leaving "it" all on the stage when they're done! And yes, there are some poets that sadly, seemed to never even get a chance to put "it" CLOSE to the stage (no judgment--I'm just saying...)! So after tonight's bouts, Team Neo-Soul came in at 1st, Oklahoma City (my hometown) came in 2nd, St. Louis (WHATTUP Copa!) came in 3rd, Tucson (holding it down with an ALL female team) came in 4th, and closing it out was Manchester (New Hampshire) with 5th place. Thursday is the last night of regular bouts before we go into the semi-finals on Friday.

OHHHHHHH!!!! I almost forgot! I also attended a hip hop headquarters event that was cool. My new girl crush, Queen Sheba, got up there and represented for the ladies, while the men from her Charlotte crew (yall better keep an eye out for that damn Slam Charlotte team) kept it moving. My southern-boy-with-charm crush was also there, damn Jon Goode. Ladies, he is more than just a tall drink of water--his ass is reminiscent of drinking from the water hose when you were little in the middle of July! Jive Poetic was on the 1s and 2s while the fabulously phenomenal poet, Da'Shade Moonbeam, hosted the event.

To repeat, if you're not here, you're definitely missing out! But then again, maybe not so much. I've already heard the word that videos and pics are popping up all over youtube and myspace, so google, people, GOOGLE! More information available at http://www.nps2007.com.
*****************************************************************************************

I'm grateful...

...that words still move me, even after all this time.

...for my new "secret mini-vacation" spot. I appreciate that you came out of the house barefoot just to tell me where to park...J

...for "I love you" text messages...

...for me and my Mama having similar work situations happening at the same time, but remaining professional even when others want us to get big things poppin' just like T.I.!

...my youngest brother can begin moving into his apartment for school this week!

...that you're thinking about baby-names and wedding rings--I'm peeping what's on your mind girl!

...for my new girl crush (damn you and your fly-ass swagger Queen Sheba)!!! hahaha

...for the phrase, "being here with you is a dream come true..." J

...for the laughter and smiles my co-workers are always able to provide!

...for the NATIONAL POETRY SLAM!!!!!

...for too CUTE t-shirts (the one I had on last night said, "I'm here. What are your other two wishes?"). J

...for your hands in my hair...

...for inside jokes (I swear, I really did think that sign said "hamster buster")! J

...for the Creator helping me realize that just because I'm scared right now, doesn't mean that I always will be...

National Poetry Slam 2007 (Update #1)

2007-08-07T23:44:00.000-05:00

Hey yall! Can't do much talking, I'm busy busy busy! But I did wanna let yall know that tonight in their first bout, Team Neo-Soul (my poetry family) came in 2nd behind the New York-Urbana team. Vancouver was 3rd, Corpus Christi was 4th, and Lincoln rounded out the bout at 5th place. I also have to make a plug for another bout I saw later. The Slam Charlotte team was FCKIN' AWESOME (I think I might have a girl crush on Queen Sheba)!!!! They had three tight ass pieces (one group piece, two individual pieces) that had the whole crowd rocking, clapping, and standing!!! I have no problem admitting that I got teary-eyed at least three times tonight from various performer's pieces. It is moments like these that make me so humbled and appreciative that I am a part of such a special collective...

**For more updates, continue to go to http://www.nps2007.com/. I'll be back tomorrow with another update!

Gratitude Wednesday!!!!!!

2007-08-01T22:31:00.000-05:00

I’m grateful…

…for the fabulous date we had! Your friends were really nice—I hope I impressed them! J

…that I got to sneak home for just a couple of days—man, I miss my family.

…that we got to see each other after 10 years! You are still as handsome and charming (albeit definitely more sarcastic now) as I remember… J

…the National Poetry Slam will be here in Austin next week (for more information go to http://www.nps2007.com/).

…that I got to see you while I was at home. You’ve never looked at me the way you looked at me when I was there—if I didn’t know better, I’d think I have the same chance as them “red-bones” you talk about! J

…that you think I’m sexy…

….that you described me to your best friend as “the one I’m infatuated with…”

…we just got a $2000 equity raise!

…for the “music therapy” I found in Carl Thomas’ song, “Thought You Should Know” and Lloyd’s song, “Street Love…”

…that I got to spend a FABULOUS day with my nephew Daishawn! He is really hilarious to be so young!

…for the answers you gave me to the question: “what do we have in common?”

…that Jamaica is getting closer and closer.

…that you make me blush and smile…

…your book release party is finally happening. I wish you nothing but the best sir. Truly.

…for oils and gentle hands…

...that my new jeans are TOO CUTE (they fit ohhh so just right on my thighs)…

…my friend/soror just got a job at a TV station in Chicago!!!!!

…that you kept a smile on your face and your eyes on me—even though you didn’t know ANY of the songs that I had playing!

…the Creator is challenging me to make my own decisions about what is really best for me and what that “best” really should “look” like…

A Little Something Special For Someone Special...

2007-07-31T00:04:00.000-05:00

“intimately personal”

He told me that I was beautiful.

Said that he had the most vivid dreams of me while both of his eyes were wide open and that my skin reminded him of hot chocolate with cinnamon.

He promised to wash my feet in a basin filled with figs and rinse my hair with pomegranate juice if only to have an excuse to tell me that I was delicious.

He liked me best when I had a smile on my face,

But he loved me most when I could put a smile on his.

Outlining my lips with his tongue was his way of saying hello.

Much like the way he left hidden love messages on shower-steamed mirrors as a way of saying goodbye.

He didn’t proclaim to be my equal.

He didn’t profess to deserve me more than others.

He told me that all he wanted was a chance.

A chance to slow dance naked with nothing but our breathing supplying the soundtrack.

A chance to suck fingertips, caress shoulder blades, and nibble on kneecaps.

A chance to stare into the night sky and wish on stars, clouds, eclipses, planets and anything else seen or unseen.

A chance to wake up daily and go to bed nightly with me,

Because I was the real-life interpretation of his fondest fantasy…

Going Home...

2007-07-27T01:09:00.000-05:00

...for the weekend! I plan to post more regularly once I return! Have a safe next few days yall!

~Angel

Gratitude Wednesday!!!!!!

2007-07-24T23:59:00.001-05:00

I'm grateful...

...that I was the first person you wanted to call to share your news...hearing you do the "babygirl giggle" was truly priceless!

...for the seventy minutes on the elliptical machine the other day!

...my youngest brother finally got his housing assignment for college!

...I'm done with summer school next Monday!

...that listening to Luther Vandross's "Anyone Who Had a Heart" last night didn't effect me the way I thought it was going to...

...my divorced parents are dating...each other...again... hahahahhahaha

...that with my new haircut, you can really see the weight loss!

...your surprise visits always brighten my Granny's day--thank you for making her feel special!

...that I can help my family out when they need it...

...that you trust and value my opinions--will I get to wear a t-shirt too?

...for your messages that keep telling me how much you miss me...

...for the way that you put yourself out there with this new job--you're my best friend and I will always acknowledge your successes (even when you think they're small)!

...you wanna know my ring size...

...the Creator is keeping me steadfast...

Matrimonial Music...?

2007-07-23T00:01:00.001-05:00

So guess what? I didn't really get to listen to any music this weekend! But what has been on my mind musically are wedding songs. No, not for me! One of my friends/co-workers is getting married in May 2008 and we were brainstorming songs to be played at her wedding. Of course we all know there are certain songs that are considered classic and timeless so they just HAVE to be played (i.e. Luther's "Here and Now," Tamia's and Eric Benet's "Spend My Life With You," Lenny Williams' "Cause I Love You," Brian McKnight's "Still in Love," R. Kelly's "12 Play"--just kidding), but we were trying to come up with some other songs to be included. So here is the question, visualize your wedding day (whether it has already happened or hasn't happened yet) and tell me two things:

What song is playing as you walk down the aisle?
What song is playing for your first dance?

I can't wait to see yall's answers! Thank you in advance for your help!

Gratitude Wednesday!!!!!!

2007-07-18T00:04:00.001-05:00

I'm grateful (bear with me, this could be a long one)...
...for the glorious rebirth I'm experiencing!

...that my youngest brother graduated highschool in the top 10% (have you seen the statistics on Black men lately?) and is on his way to college next month!

...that we're making plans to go to Jamaica for Thanksgiving!

...for the unexpected phone call. Again, I am humbled that you allowed yourself to be so honest. I've missed you too...

...now that my hair is short, people are giving me more compliments about my earrings! J HAHAHA

...I've lost 15 pounds in a month.

...for lifestyle changes!

...for the fabulous relationship I have with my Mama, Daddy, and Bio-D (I am so glad to be here)!

...for the too cute way my nephew calls me "aun-nie" when he talks to me or sees me! J

...for the lessons learned in Los Angeles...

...for the declaration of "unrequited love" you've had for me since we worked together in undergrad. I never knew you felt that way sir--I am flattered and humbled.

...that my Granny's poodle, "Sparkle," lived long enough to fill the void left by my Grandpa's passing...

...for finally seeing Little Brother in concert and getting to hug Big Pooh and have his sweat on my face! It was great!

...summer classes are over at the end of this month!

...I'll be done with all of my Ph.D coursework in spring 2008. Dissertation, here I come!

...for friends who keep me grounded and encourage me to be better...

...for the Kidude rahani "keeping me honest..."

...for the first annual "My Sister's Keeper" conference I'm presenting at in October!

...for girlfriends who are the true embodiment of sisterhood even though we aren't related!

...for certain songs that just touch you (try listening to Tameka Scott's "Greatest Gift" from the Daddy's Little Girls soundtrack).

...for you telling me that my voice is the one that you like hearing the most!

...for the woman I have been and the woman I am consistently becoming!

It's Been a Long Time, I Shouldn't Have Left You...

2007-07-15T21:40:00.001-05:00

There has been a lot going in my life since I took this blogging hiatus (it ended up lasting almost four months), but I'm back because I've missed yall and I've missed the communication! I won't waste time boring yall with all the small details, but please do know that although I wasn't posting, I was indeed keeping up with most of yall's pages (check your stat counters)! So, after a much needed weekend with a group of like-minded individuals ("Kidude=one mind. one body. one consciousness."), I have had a rebirth! A rebirth of energy. A rebirth of spirit. A rebirth of purpose. A rebirth of desire to do what I enjoy doing--including writing. However, in line with this rebirth, also came a "shedding of the old" and as of Wednesday, July 11, 2007, I am officially LOC-LESS! The pictures above reflect not only six years of locs, but six years of everything that has happened (positively and negatively) in my life over that period of time. It was a decision that was quite natural to me, but also a decision that has been (and will continue to be) not quite understandable for others. That being said, I thank yall for humoring me by continuing to read my posts and visit my blog and I pray that you enjoy being a part of this next phase in my growth!

~~Angel

Gratitude Wednesday!!!!!!

2007-03-28T00:30:00.000-05:00

I'm grateful...

...my Daddy called me Monday just to check on me since he hadn't heard from me.

...my friends and I really enjoyed the Tyler Perry play last week.

...for the "girl time" we've spent lately doing everything from shopping and eating to walking and laughing! Thank you for trusting me!

...that I got to hear your voice (if only for a little while) all the way from Afghanistan after 10 years!!!!!

...for the steady workouts and the alternate eating habits.

...for the email that said "you haven't forgotten about me..."

...for the voicemail that said "because you're smart, funny, beautiful, and you keep me on my toes" when I asked you why you wanted me.

...that I realize how inconsiderate you are/can be...WOW!!!

...for Bobby, Brian, and Damien, the tattoo artists at River City Tattoo for making me laugh this weekend while I was getting my ink. And for Precious and "Brudder" keeping me company while I was there!

...for our late night telephone conversations, even though your battery always dies! LMAO!

...we leave for Orlando Friday morning!!!!

...for "wangs and fried pickles" even though she couldn't join us. We won't forget you next time Ms. Nubia, ok?

...our RAs (student staff) did a FABULOUS job during the minor flood we had Monday night!!!!

...I get to see my best male friend while I'm in Orlando (haven't seen him since December)!

...my best female friend's birthday is this weekend!!!!!! Happy early born-day to you!!!

...the Creator allows me to help others in ways that I never imagined I could...

Gratitude Wednesday!!!!!!

2007-03-21T01:21:00.000-05:00

I'm grateful...

...for the awesome and touching experience that the LeaderShape Institute introduced me to and also to Randy, Tanya, Taryn, Jackie, Juanita, and Susan for accompanying me on such an eye-opening journey!

...that you made it safely to Oklahoma City. Are you still coming to Austin to see me today?

...that the last piece I wrote, "I'm Ready" literally seemed to leap out of my heart and onto the page. That capital L will get you EVERY. SINGLE. TIME!

...you trust me to edit your poetry book! I am truly and deeply humbled sir.

...my co-worker/classmate/friend helped me clean up my apartment a little bit last night!!!

...for the belated birthday card (with money included) I received from Bio-D yesterday!

...for catching up with an old friend and it seeming like we never lost a step. Thank you for always being my voice of reason ma'am.

...for the voicemail that was waiting for me that said you missed me and wanted to check on me.

...for the voicemail that said "I want to hear your voice tomorrow..."

...for the tribute piece you did for me. It really is one of your "best yet!" ;-)

...I'll be in Orlando for 6 days at a conference for work! We leave next Friday (March 30th)!

...that I was completely vulnerable and open with you last night on the phone. Yeah, I'm still scared as hell, but I'm ready to see what could be next for us...

...my co-workers crack me the hell up! ALWAYS!

...we're going to get tattooed this weekend!

...my two friends and I are going to see Tyler Perry's new play, "What's Done in the Dark," tonight!

...the Creator is encouraging me to move past the fear that I have of love and finally trust that I am MORE than enough...

"I'm Ready"

2007-03-19T01:25:00.000-05:00

I think that I’m ready to get to know you better.

And have you better get to know me.

No running.

No hiding.

I’m comfortable standing chest to chest with you in wet grass and shining sun.

Holding hands.

Smiling ridiculously.

Gazing intently.

I think that I’m ready to hold you.

And have you hold me back.

No shirking.

No denial.

I’m flattered by the idea that you want to be my forever and have me be your always.

Knees wobbling.

Heartbeat pounding.

Body temperature elevating.

I think that I’m ready to be honest with you.

And have you be honest in return.

No secrets.

No surprises.

I’m excited about the idea that this could be the real thing.

Lips whispering.

Embraces tight.

Thoughts on the same thing.

I think I’m ready to give my all to you.

And have you give me your all too.

No pretending.

No escaping.

I’m content with never feeling again in my life like I feel when I’m with you.

Birthing babies.

Taking trips.

Growing old together.

I think I’m ready to love you…

No, I know I’m ready to love you.

And have you love me like never before.

No embarrassment.

No ego.

I’m confident that this moment, right here, right now, is worth fighting for.

And that’s not something I ever need time to think about again...

Out of Pocket!

2007-03-09T00:47:00.000-06:00

Hey everybody! I will be at out of town for the next week or so (6-day leadership retreat for the students in our business school and a couple of days at home with the family) so no new posts from me until I get back. But, er, uh, yeah, best believe I will still be keeping my eyes on yall so do expect comments from me! J
~~fallen angel

Gratitude Thursday!!!!!!

2007-03-08T00:22:00.000-06:00

I'm grateful...

...for singing along to "pretty, natural and Black" against the railing at the poetry venue last night!

...for the continuous threats of you biting my lip...

...for my sensuous poem dedication--I love it!

...for the "open letter" you blogged about me! Thank you so much for the heartfelt sentiment and kind words. Our friendship definitely pushes me towards greatness!

...I re-connected with my best friend from middle school after seeing him doing the photoshoot for a teenage recording star on an episode of MTV's "My Super Sweet 16!"

...for the conversation while I shopped at Bath & Body Works and drove to Schlotsky's...

...that we can still begin our conversations with "hey baby" and end our conversations with "good night baby...

...for the dialogue (on both blogger and email) created by my "open letter" post! Thank yall for helping me feel a little more normal!

...for Led Zeppelin lyrics and "Mr. Hyde" appearances...

...for hearing you laugh hysterically at the thought of "strangling kittens..."

...Spring Break is next week!!!!!

...for conversations about figure eights and capital S's!!!!

...my friend baked me a HUGE bag of chocolate chip pecan cookies as a birthday present!

...for the Creator making sure I listen more to myself and less to others.

Bear With Me Please, I Just Need to Talk...

2007-03-06T01:19:00.000-06:00

I wanted to do something different today and instead of posting a piece, I wanted to get yall’s opinion. So lately, I’ve been having a lot of conversations with friends about the idea of companionship. What we’re willing to do for it? What it looks like as we get older? Those types of things. I am under the impression that there are certain people in our lives that we are truly willing to “put up with” simply because we desire that comfort; that safety. Their presence in our lives seems to keep us “grounded” in a way.

The reason that this is all even coming up for me is because as yall know, I recently had a birthday and being sick this past week hasn't helped either. After asking me who had been checking on me, one of my blogger friends told me, "you need somebody to check on you permanently Angel." And who knows, maybe he's right. The extra element that being sick adds is the fact that you REALLY are alone. There's no one to make sure you take your medicine. No one to make sure you shower. No one to rush you to the hospital in the case of an emergency. No one to tell you "I love you anyway" after you've been a meanie to them while you've wretched like a dog. My administrative assistant told me yesterday morning that when he couldn't get ahold of me Sunday night, he immediately thought the worse. Said he even discussed it with the people in his van pool! "I'm really afraid something has happened to my boss. She's been sick and I couldn't reach her and she doesn't have anybody..." Got me sounding like I need to be in one of those adultcare facilities! Yet, he and my blogger friend both might be on to something. And while I’m not on the verge of an “early life crisis” I have been rather reflective lately. I’m the type of girl who always has a guy lurking in the background. Whether it’s an ex or a friend with benefits or some guy who I just enjoy “playing nicely with” from time to time—there’s always a guy. But recently, after having numerous conversations about “letting somebody love me,” I’m at an impasse.

I love hard as hell. I’m a die hard romantic. I tend to be both an intentional and unintentional flirt. I often use sex as a power ploy (I’m a sexual person and fully understand the effect that has on my life and those in it). I have a pretty good read on my “inner maleness.” I have a level of confidence that's pretty contagious (and a smile to match too)! I'm hella fun and likeable and I'm generally outgoing. I'm from a family of majority women so while I’m not one of those “I don’t need a man” types, I am dangerously close to being one of those “I don’t need a man” types. Plus, my biological dad has five children by four different women so I could just be a "product of my parent" and thus be destined to stumble about aimlessly until much later in my life.

But why is this background important? Well, it’s important because despite all of this, I’m a severe commitment-phobe! And although I’ve had some fabulous love in my life, I’ve run away faster than Forrest Gump’s ass. And now, NOW, that I’m in this reflective stage, it’s like the ghost of commitment past is haunting me. What may look like a professional woman having and doing it all, is also a situation where there are nights when I too just wanna spoon with somebody or have somebody run their fingers through my locs after work or kiss me on the forehead after I get out of the shower or to even fly kites with on the damn weekend! Truthfully, I don’t have that capital L love in my life, at least not the way I “think” it should be. There's an undergrad college ex who says things like "seeing and talking to you now, remind me of why I fell in love with you back then." A recently found ex just sent me an email that he doesn’t think it’s a good idea if we talk. An acquaintance from a couple of years ago has resurfaced, however, I keep going back and forth about whether to allow him in my bed again (body says yes, heart/mind say HELL NO). The ex that I was with for six years is finally comfortable talking to me about his relationship with a girl and I HATE him for feeling that way! The long-time friend that I think I wanna be with long-term is going through a spiritual journey and I look like an ass when I'm honest with him about how I feel about our relationship (or lack thereof). I’m in love with a man who’s unobtainable (he’s attached). I have developed a fiercely intense chemistry with a guy in another state (but he’s attached too). There's a co-worker that all of my other co-workers belive has a crush on me (I'm just personally choosing not to acknowledge it). I have multiple close friendships with males that every female I meet considers “a great catch,” yet I don’t look at them like that—I just see them as my close male friends. And on top of all this, I’ve been in a state of “self-induced celibacy” for the last 8 months and I really think my body is about to turn on me!

As yall are reading this, yall are probably like, “uh, what the hell is she talking about and why is she rambling?” I’ll get to the point right now. Are we destined to settle as we get older? How much influence does the desire for companionship make in terms of what we’re willing to “put up with” from a mate? Can you really be happily single and successful? Does real love only come when you stop looking? *sigh* Or maybe I just have a case of the "birthday blahs?"

I appreciate any and all comments...

Mellow Moods Monday!!!!!!

2007-03-05T00:01:00.000-06:00

**Lots of new music for me this past weekend. What did yall listen to?**

The Best of DJ Quik—DJ Quik

Black Democrats—Juelz Santana, Lil Wayne

Don’t Let Go—R. Kelly

Since I Found U—Ginuwine

Clubbin’—TI

Clap On Clap Off—Eightball & MJG ft. Yung Joc

Hit the Block—UGK ft. TI, Swizz Beatz

Anything—Patti Labelle ft. Kanye West, Consequence, Mary Mary

Another Last Chance—Sammie

Pop my Trunk—Wine-O ft. Paul Wall

Take Ya Shoes Off—Guerilla Zoe ft. Yung Joc

Ghetto Pains—Styles P ft. J-Hood

Weekend Love—Amerie

Reminisce Witcha—Amerie

Struggle No More (remix)—Anthony Hamilton, Jaheim, Musiq Soulchild

Back Up—Beyonce

Creole—Beyonce

My Heart Still Beats—Beyonce

He’s My Man—Beyonce

I’m Leaving—Beyonce

I Know What I’m Doing—Birdman & Lil Wayne ft. T. Pain, Rick Ross

If I Had My Way—Bobby Valentino

Don’t Wake Me Up—Bobby Valentino

You’re My Girl—Bobby Valentino

Anonymous—Bobby Valentino ft. Timbaland

Outta My System—Bow Wow ft. T. Pain

Get Money—Candi Pye ft. Yung Joc

I Love You (remix)—Cheri Dennis ft. Jim Jones, Yung Joc

Straight Jack—Chilli ft. Missy Elliott

Poppin’ (remix)—Chris Brown ft. Lil Wayne, Juelz Santana

Rock Yo Hips (remix)—Crime Mob ft. Young Dro, Rasheeda

Lil Girl Gone—Devin the Dude ft. Lil Wayne, Bun B

We Takin’ Over—DJ Khaled ft. Akon, TI, Rick Ross, Fat Joe, Baby, Lil Wayne

Go Hard or Go Home—E-40

Diamonds on My Damn Chain—Fabolous ft. Lil Wayne

Make it Rain (remix)—Fat Joe ft. Lil Wayne, Baby, TI, R. Kelly, Rick Ross

Be With Me—J. Holiday

Love Ambition—Jason Weaver

I Never Thought—Jason Weaver

If I Was Your Man—Joe

Hood Love—Johnta Austin ft. Mary J. Blige

What Goes Around (remix)—Justin Timberlake ft. Timbaland, Rick Ross, Pitbull

I Apologize—K-Ci

Like This—Kelly Rowland ft. Eve

King Kong (remix)—Jibbs ft. Young Jeezy, Chamillionaire

Oh Yeah—Lil Scrappy ft. E-40, Sean Paul

Get it Shawty—Lloyd ft. Yung Joc

Get it Shawty (remix)—Lloyd ft. Yung Joc, Missy Elliott

My Valentine—Lloyd

Pressure—Lupe Fiasco ft. Jay-Z

Tears—Marques Houston

Circle—Marques Houston

Hold N’ Back—Marques Houston ft, Mya, Shawnna

This is Why I’m Hot (remix)—MIMS ft. Junior Reid, Cham

They Don’t Wanna Play—MIMS ft. Bun B, Bad Seed

Quickie—Nivea ft. Rasheeda

U Wanna Touch Me—Nivea ft. Rasheeda

Never Have a Girl Like Me—Nivea

Slow Dancing—Omarion

Made for TV—Omarion

Icebox (remix)—Omarion ft. Busta Rhymes

Look at Her (remix)—One Chance ft. Bobby Valentino, Lloyd

Sticky Icky—Pitbull ft. Jim Jones

Mr. Jones—Mike Jones

La La La—Pretty Ricky

Gratitude Wednesday!!!!!!

2007-02-28T00:42:00.000-06:00

I'm grateful...

...that I made it to and from Las Vegas safely (but sickly)... L

...my two friends, Thomas and Jamila, took such good care of my mean, sick self!

...for all the birthday texts and phone calls!

...that your "happy birthday" serenade made me smile on the way to the doctor.

...for the fabulously thoughtful gifts and birthday cards!

...I got to meet one of my favorite comedians, Tommy Chunn, while I was in Las Vegas (before the sickness kicked in).

...you continuously called to check on me while I've been sick. You're right, maybe I do need someone around to do that permanently...?

...my birthday "slipped your mind"--trust me, there's no need to apologize; after this past week, I better understand my place in your life anyway...

...my pre-birthday "fellowship of the wings" gathering! Thanks for the hilarious ride to the airport! J

...for your generous offer to come and "take care of me" while you give me an alcohol bath and a massage! Rain check, ok? J

...my co-worker brought me dinner and a frosty last night so I wouldn't have to get dressed and leave my apartment.

...the Creator allowed me yet another year to live, love, laugh, and learn!!!! J

Burfday Schmurfday!

2007-02-26T13:44:00.000-06:00

So guess what? My Las Vegas birthday adventure was short-lived! As soon as I got up there--I got sick! My friends finally forced me to go to the QuickCare place and I had a damn upper respiratory infection that knocked me smooth the hell out! So, first things first, I wanted to apologize and give a HUGE thank you hug to my friends Thomas and Jamila for taking care of me. I am a MEAN ASS when I'm sick and believe me, they took the weight of it. Second, I am currently still recovering (thank goodness for antibiotics), but I just wanted to say I appreciated all of the well wishes, emails, text messages, and phone calls. I "heart" yall too!
~fallen angel

Gratitude Thursday!!!!!!

2007-02-22T01:21:00.000-06:00

I'm grateful...

...tomorrow is my birthday! I still can't believe I'll be 29 years old! "hallelujah hollaback!" ;-)

...the running hug I got when I walked into the poetry venue (yeah, you did "deebo" those students though)!

...the early birthday cards I've received!

...my 30GB black ipod came in the mail! "You know you love me. You know you miss me. You wanna kiss me..."

...the student delegation that we took to Lincoln, Nebraska won "Most Improved Black Student Government" at the conference!

...for the hissy fit you threw over the phone yesterday. Your words and actions reminded me of why I'm so reluctant to give my all to you...

...for the phone call I received on Sunday afternoon. Yes, I was surprised to hear from you, but it felt good to hear your voice (I really didn't know you still felt that way)...

...for the "lunch date" that involved no lunch! I've really missed you too.

...for admitting that you're nervous about seeing me because you know you want to have your cake and eat it too...

...my plane leaves for Las Vegas tonight at 9:55pm!!!!!

...that you send me texts that say "you're on my mind," "I need you," and "I miss you."

...the Creator is blessing me with yet another year to be alive!

Random 23 (a dedication to him...)

2007-02-20T00:11:00.000-06:00

“Anyone who ever loved, could look at me, and know that I love you.

Anyone who ever dreamed, could look at me, and know I dream of you…”

I've prayed for the moment I could dance amongst your daydreams

and tiptoe through your two lips (tulips).

However, as breath-taking as the sight surely is,

I'm also comfortable just sitting here sowing seeds in the garden of your mind

while waiting patiently until our relationship is ready to be harvested.

With a delicate mixture of sunlight-covered sighs and moonlit-colored moans,

I intend to sketch the silhouette of my smile along the curvature of your heart’s fence posts.

Paying close attention,

I have examined the blossoms of our love as they reach towards the sky.

Climbing,

growing,

stretching upwards as each kiss sprouts buds on the branches that connect our souls.

Entangled within each vine hangs the memory of the day

we first acknowledged the roots of this attraction.

Fingers intertwined.

Foreheads touching.

Bodies swaying.

All while the melodic sounds of our spirits forever fertilized its composition…

No Mellow Moods Monday!

2007-02-19T00:24:00.000-06:00

**My apologies but I just returned from a conference in Lincoln, Nebraska with over 1200 students (there were 56 in our delegation). We got there by charter bus and it took 17 and a half hours to get there and 16 and a half hours to get back here. Needless to say, I am EXHAUSTED! I will catch up with yall tomorrow!**
~fallen angel

Gratitude Wednesday!!!!!!

2007-02-14T00:09:00.000-06:00

I’m grateful…

…for the flowers and chocolates I got yesterday! Thanks Granny! J

…for the text message that said I was on your mind…

…for the ipod being shipped to me! Thank you so much for the gift sir!

…that you think I’m “really good company…”

…that even though it’s difficult, you are getting out and doing things. One day at a time girl. One day at a time.

…we’re leaving late tonight to travel to Lincoln, Nebraska for the Big XII Conference on Black Student Government! However, I am NOT grateful for the 12-14 hours it's supposed to take (we’re traveling by charter bus)!

…there’s only 8 days til we go to Las Vegas!!!!

…my birthday is in 9 days!

…for fried pickles, lemon pepper chicken wings, and quality time! From here on out I will refer to our outings as the “Fellowship of the Wings!” LMAO! LMAO! LMAO! J

…that you recognize your “issues” and really want to do better by all of us.

…for 4 and a shudder… J

…for the Creator blessing me with safe travels to and from any and all destinations.

It's My Bloggiversary!!!!!!!

2007-02-12T00:56:00.000-06:00

Yes members of the congregation, it is officially my “bloggiversary” (well, it was actually Saturday, February 10^th, but it’s my blog and I’ll share when I want to J) and I am dancing up a storm!!!!!! I can’t believe how quickly these 12 months have passed! I’d just like to take a moment to thank all of yall who visit, comment, and even lurk a bit, for providing me with an outlet to express myself. I greatly appreciate it! So in typical special occasion fashion, I offer to you:

My first post: it was entitled “peaceful journey,” however, the poem “sanctuary” is the piece that was spotlighted.

My first comment said: “FIYAH!! LOL, congrats on ur blog. Love ya!!” (it was from one of my brothers—the one currently at Morehouse—back when he USED to have time for me)!!!!

My post that received the most comments (including my own replies): it was entitled “Dear God”. I wrote it kinda as an open letter from the perspective of what a person might say when they’re mad at God after my best friend had a miscarriage with what we all believed was her “miracle baby.”

My post that received the least comments: there were two that received ONE measly comment. “You Don’t Know” and A Little Poetry Ditty. Maybe yall weren’t feelin’ me back then?? L

My first meme/TAG: 10 Qualities of my Perfect Lover/Mate.

My first “Gratitude Wednesdays” post: August 29, 2006.

My first “Mellow Moods” post: May 14, 2006.

My favorite post: NONE. Yall know I don’t do favorites..even on my bloggiversary! HAHAHAHA

My first “quickie” piece: those of you who know me, know that these “quickie” pieces are quickly becoming (dare I say it) some of my favorite pieces to write. I like them because they’re simply supposed to be “snapshots of intimacy.” If you pay close attention, you’ll notice that each one also has its own unique setting. This is the very first one that I wrote.

The first blog I read in the morning (other than mine): “Section 8 Coffee Publication’s E. Zora Knight (oncelovedchild).” Sorry yall, I can’t link it because it’s K.I.M.’s blog and she has it marked private.

The last blog I read before going to bed (other than mine): “Lover’s Anonymous.” Sorry again yall, this one’s Xavier’s blog and he has it marked private too!

The number of bloggers on my links that I have actually met (i.e. SEEN): 16

Last blogger to comment on one of my posts: Her name is Ebony, but I call her: “Ms. Nubia”.

Gratitude Thursday!!!!!!

2007-02-08T00:43:00.000-06:00

I'm grateful...

...for my family.

...my youngest brother FINALLY completed his damn FAFSA!!!!

...I FINALLY completed my damn renewal FAFSA!!!! LOL

...my 29th birthday is in 15 days!

...that you miss making love to me too...

...for the surprise afternoon phone call I got from a guy I used to date during my junior year in college!

...that you're even contemplating taking a trip with me (you don't know how BAD I want this to happen).

...for our weekly Wednesday night dinner dates.

...my "bestest" (and most "hard-headed-est") friend is joining me on my birthday trip to Las Vegas!

...for the HELLA good time I had during Super Bowl Sunday and the night before! Why I gotta be the one that's "unbelievable?" ;-)

...I don't have to read for my "higher education law" class next week because I'm already two weeks ahead!

...that you're "really really really into me..."

...that loving you is as natural as breathing to me. You wanted to see my "other side"--I just hope you're ready for it.

...that you want to come to Austin to "kidnap" me to go on a mini-vacation with you.

...for the 35 minutes on the elliptical machine after not having exercised in MONTHS!

...for the many memories I have of my grandpa--he would have been 82 years old today. Happy birthday "Cram!"

...for the Creator keeping me focused in my school work.

Random 22

2007-02-06T02:18:00.000-06:00

his voice was a gentle reminder of a time when we were both somebody else.
waiting and wishing for soft tongues and low moans to descend upon puckered lips
we played games of tag while standing in place.
in-between classes you could find me daydreaming.
scribbling my name and his in colored ink on
every.
single.
line.
of that damn wide-ruled notebook paper that mama got at the store for 33 cents.
never coerced.
never tricked.
he knew the proper ways to prompt me to play nicely.
his hands under my pleated skirt while
i tugged at his flannel boxers.
we weren’t into dress-up then.
i loved him scratching and yawning, in dire need of a haircut and filed fingernails.
he loved me in long, white tube socks and big white panties with flowers that came up over my bellybutton.
whenever i got too full of myself, he reminded me that i pursued him—
and not the other way around.
told me if i kept thinking the world rotated on my axis,
he’d find another planet to orbit.
houdini the way he whispered the sweetest nothings
and turned them into the most delicious somethings.
he useta hold me so tight that i thought my skin was gonna rip at the seams…
come to think of it, i haven’t been held like that in a long time.
he wasn’t my first love,
but maybe he should have been…

Mellow Moods Monday

2007-02-05T00:04:00.000-06:00

Jodeci—S-more
Jodeci—Good Luv
Pretty Ricky—On the Hotline
Bobby Valentino—Wreck
Mario—Crying Out for Me
Sammie—What About Your Friend
Tank—Please Don’t Go
Bella—Come Over
Chapter 4—Fool Wit U
Avant—Imagination
J. Isaac—The Promotion
J. Valentine—She’s Worth the Trouble
Jamie Foxx—When I First Saw You (from “The Dreamgirls” soundtrack)
Justin Timberlake ft. T.I.—My Love
Lionel Richie—I Call it Love
Lloyd ft. Andre 3000 & Nas—You (remix)
Musiq Soulchild ft. T.I. &Young Buck—Buddy (remix)
Ne-Yo—Watch You Dance
Pretty Willie—Touching It
Tamia—Can’t Get Enough of You
Tyrese ft. Lil Jon--Turn Ya Out

Gratitude Wednesday!!!!!!

2007-01-31T21:55:00.000-06:00

I'm grateful...

...my trip home was safe.

...my middle brother is enrolled in school and he's loving it!!!!!!

...I was able to help my Mama do something important!

...my line sister's baby shower was FUN! but I still ain't in no damn hurry to have me one! LOL!

...for our eating dates when I come home. I hate that I don't get to see you more often, but our time together always makes it seem like we JUST saw each other. Thanks for picking me up and warming my butt up with the leather. I really hope your aunt likes the gift. "You kinda chill your damn self!" ;-)

...that you still love me.

...that I'm still your "princess."

...that I KICKED ASS as a panelist for a hip hop presentation at work Wednesday morning!

...that your actions and comments help me feel better about my commitment-phobia--I'm keeping it.

...for getting to "rub elbows" with all the important people of our university at the president's "hoity toity" dinner Tuesday night!

...for you admitting that seeing me this summer reminded you of why you fell in love with me in the first place...

...for the much needed "sisterly" conversation while eating pizza and salads and staring at tattoo dude!

...that even when I stray, the Creator nudges me gently without ever holding a grudge!

Random 21

2007-01-30T12:54:00.000-06:00

He’s my favorite guilty pleasure.
Awaiting punishment with my naughty girl pout is how he prefers me.
My cocoa-butter covered limbs outstretched and covered with goosebumps
is how he likes to play me.
Pretends I’m a sheet of music while his dragon dick slays me.
Treats me like a princess as he places butterfly kisses
on the tip of my nose and along my forehead.
Traces the first names of our unborn children along my breast and stomach
reminding me that he has plans for all of our futures.
Sprawled across his chest and enveloped loosely in his arms
Is how I get the best sleep.
His peaceful breathing the backdrop for my favorite dream…

Mellow Moods Monday!!!!!!

2007-01-29T00:25:00.000-06:00

Brian McKnight--"Ten" (whole cd)
Freddie Jackson--"Good Morning Heartache"
Freddie Jackson--"Me and Mrs. Jones"
Freddie Jackson--"Hey Lover"
Freddie Jackson--"I Wanna Say I Love You"
Freddie Jackson--"Have You Ever Loved Somebody"
Yung Joc--"Knock it Out"
Yung Joc ft. Marques Houston--"1st Time"
UNK--"Beat'n Down Yo Block"
Trick Daddy ft. Chamillionaire--"Bet That"
Trae ft. Yung Joc--"In the Hood"
The Pack--"Vans"
UGK--"The Game Belongs to Me"
Dolla--"Feelin' Myself"
Lloyd Banks--"Help"
Lil Scrappy ft. Nivea--"Put it in the Air"
Jibbs ft. Melody Thornton--"Go Too Far"
Jay-Z--"Brooklyn (Ballin' remix)"
Heizman Boiz--"Do Da Heizman on That Ho" (click here for the HEE-LARRY-TEE!!!!)
Clipse ft. Slim Thug--"Wamp Wamp"
Clipse ft. Pharrell--"Trill"
Busta Rhymes ft. Swizz Beatz--"New York Sh*t"
Baby Huey--"Pop, Lock, and Drop it"
Bow Wow ft. R. Kelly--"I'm a Flirt"

K.I.A.M. (Keeping It Appropriately Moving)...

2007-01-25T01:22:00.000-06:00

**Many of you know that I have a P.M. (poetry mentor). You have seen her name in my comments as "thirteenandtheysayitain'tlucky" and "e. zora knight," but her real name is Kim. She is very dear to me and to many of the other Austin bloggers. She is my writing inspiration simply because she knows how to effectively use her words and voice to make the audience really "feel" as if they're in the same moment she was when she wrote it. Simply put--she's the type of poet that you can love and hate at the same time. Love her because she really is just THAT good. Hate her because, well, she really is just THAT damn good! However, she is my friend because she is basically the older sister I've never had and didn't realize I needed. I am so appreciative that our paths crossed in the way that they did. Her friendship means more to me than she'll ever know or that I'll probably ever be able to adequately articulate and I just had to take some time out to show her my own gratitude. So, in honor of a poetry tribute dedicated to her at our poetry spot (and for her birthday that just passed), numerous poets were asked to share pieces for and about her. Here is my contribution. The words I had to incorporate into the piece were (again, we could use any derivation of the word): hurry, halo, bystanders, before, altruistic, avenue, intrinsic, if, journey, join.**~fallen angel

"Dust Tracks on a Road"

With eyes glancing forward and shoulders squared, she walks dutifully and diligently towards the stage. Each Wednesday night, after brushing the dust from her shoulders and shaking the nerves from her locs and right before grabbing the mic in her hand, she looks skyward, silently praying:

Dearest G.O.D. (because I believe in good orderly direction), it is with the most sincere gratitude that I thank you for joining me on this poetic journey. Although there may have been times when I have been in too much of a hurry to fully appreciate the view, those negative bystanders blocking the scenery have provided me with a far better positive image, even if they didn’t realize it at the time. Because re-focusing my energy and “staying in my lane” have proven to be more intrinsically rewarding than even I could have hoped for, I offer no apologies for my tarnished halo nor any explanations as to how long it will remain that way. At the end of the day, while others misunderstand my personal altruism as yet another way to gain fame or mention other poets’ names, I can always take solace in knowing this path, whether by road, street, avenue, or boulevard, has all further reinforced my desire to keep it moving.

Gratitude Wednesday!!!!!!

2007-01-24T00:23:00.000-06:00

I'm grateful...

...Will Downing is singing the perfect words to what's on my mind right now after talking to you: "You've got me riding on a cloud don't ever wanna come down. You've got me floating in my dreams and even singing way up loud. You've got my heart so open wide sometimes I feel like I can fly. Way up high. You've got me riding on a cloud..."

...for Logan's Roadhouse, "Stomp the Yard," "RIZE" and krumping so hard that my breasts and stomach hurt this past Saturday in honor of P.M.'s (Poetry Mentor's) bornday!

...that the dentist was able to fit me in for an emergency visit today!

...for the Sunday phone conversation while I hunted all around for chicken and wild rice soup (even though I settled for the tomato basil)!

...for being one of the handful of people chosen to celebrate your new wife's bornday at the "hoity-toity" restaurant!

...plans are falling in place for us to finally meet!

...for the late night texts, IM convos, and "1 bar left" cell phone conversations that make me blush ridiculously and sleep peacefully.

...I did it! I bought my airplane ticket to go to Las Vegas for my birthday next month! Your ass better be ready to show me a HELLUVA good time too!!!!

...for the utterly revealing conversations we consistently have. I continue to be surprised by many of the things you say in regards to you and I, however, I am definitely enjoying the "unwrapping..."

...one of my colleagues asked me to present a workshop for advisors at the upcoming 30th Annual Big XII Conference on Black Student Government that I'll be attending at the University of Nebraska-Lincoln (February 15th-18th).

...that you finally realize how much I really want you (even after ALL this time).

...I'm going home this weekend for one of my line sister's baby shower!

...the Creator--plain and simple!

"He Loves Me Because..."

2007-01-23T03:22:00.001-06:00

This is a re-print of my first product from BFran's infamous writing lab. The assignment was to use ten words (randomly chosen) and write a poem based on the title he gave us. Aptly enough, my title was "He Loves Me Because..." The words that I had to incorporate into a poem were: agile, angelic, gorgeous, good, naughty, nasty, worship, wonderful, sensuous, steamy (BFran gave us a break and said that it could also be any derivative of the word). Enjoy!~fallen angel

He Loves Me Because…

Within my soul he is baptized.
Shower-steamed mirrors leave condensation amidst the reflection of our naughtiest sin.
Within this world of Venus and Serena,
My agility is not a testament to my flexibility, nor is it the rationale for why I enjoy humming hymns.
He loves it when I’m nasty,
Coercing confessions of our sensuous communion while wearing black lace bra, French-cut panties, and patent leather pumps—the view is absolutely gorgeous!
When it’s time for alter call, he greedily worships at the temple of my familiar.
He knows that God isn’t the only one that’s good,
For it is his savior that has blessed him with this wonderful opportunity to be touched by an angel.
Hedonistic virtue, selfish passion,
I am the essence of all that he loves about scripture—
Unashamed to extend my body as offering each and every night, whenever he wishes to testify.

Mellow Moods Monday!!!!!!

2007-01-22T00:27:00.000-06:00

Soulidified (whole cd)--Hil St. Soul
Feenin'--Jodeci
Cry for You--Jodeci
Special Day--Jaheim
Happy Feelings (live)--Maze ft. Frankie Beverly
Crush on You--the Jets
Supersonic--JJ Fad
U & Dat--E-40 ft. T. Pain
Tell Me When to Go (remix)--E-40 ft. Keak da Sneak & the Game
Magic--Charlie Wilson
Deja Vu--Beyonce
Upgrade U--Beyonce
Kitty Kat--Beyonce
Irreplaceable--Beyonce
Clockwork--Juelz Santana
Do Your Thing--7 Mile
Bobble Head--E-Klass ft. Paul Wall & MC Qua
Lady Lay Your Body Down--Carl Thomas
One Night--After 7
Count the Ways--Slum Village ft. Dwele
Words--Tamar Braxton

10 Things...

2007-01-18T00:18:00.000-06:00

1. I think everyone who knows me…knows how important it is to me that I’m authentic. Being genuine is as important to me as it should be to the people who interact with me. Life’s far too short to spend time with people who you really don’t wanna spend it with. I take the phrase “keeping it real” probably a little too literally! LOL

2. I am a…freak! Well, at least according to the people who know me! LMAO! Like I explained in an earlier post, I don’t believe in that word. Why can’t a person just like what they like and not be labeled dammit?!?!?

3. My favorite perfume is…FCUK and Beyond Paradise. However, I actually prefer oils though and Issey Miyake and Pleasures are my current preferences…well, them and these two new ones I got from a friend of a friend: “the Remix” and “P*ssy.” J

4. I love music…for a number of different reasons and that’s why I like so many different songs! I love that music can speak to your mood and the situations in your life and give you words where you might be having difficulty coming up with them. Besides, I also love the fact that it instantly serves as the backdrop for ALL of the memorable moments of my life. For example, Bill Evans’s "Peace Piece" has no words, yet it consistently reminds me of one of the times I was the most infatuated with a man during undergrad! To this day, whenever I hear that song, I can’t help but smirk, smile, sigh, almost cry, then smile again—always in that exact order!!!

5. My favorite pastime is…laughing! By myself. At myself. With others. At others. PERIOD!!!!!!

6. I am most comfortable…at my Granny’s house! Plus, I ALWAYS get the best food, sleep, and love there!!! J

7. When I am stressed out…I take it out on my locs. I start shredding and picking and inevitably—I end up pulling one apart or all the way out. I know, I know, it’s a terrible habit and I promise I’m working on it.

8. I don't like…onions, cucumbers, mushrooms, eggplant, zucchini, asparagus, brussel sprouts, broccoli, cauliflower, avocado, artichokes, melons, bananas, coconut, pasta, milk, bologna, sauerkraut, sprouts, pot pies, oatmeal raisin cookies, macadamian nut cookies, goldfish crackers, dumplings, anchovies, lobster, crab, crawfish, scallops, octopus, sushi, squid, oysters, pork, liver, veal, cottage cheese, tofu, tamales, hot sauce...

9. I am not a very good…liar. My conscious always creeps in and takes over… L

10. My indulgences…are sour candy, sunflower seeds, peppermint altoids, music, singing in the car & in the shower, pretty bras & panties, flirting, phone sex.

Gratitude Wednesday!!!!!!

2007-01-17T01:17:00.000-06:00

I'm grateful...

...the university has been closed yesterday and today due to inclement weather! we haven't even started the spring semester YET!!!!

...for the text yesterday morning that said "call me so i can hear your voice..."

...for the IM and phone conversation we had the other night. is it bad that it felt good to know that you threatened him once yall got outside? LOL

...my family is alright in oklahoma city despite the crazy weather!

...for the brunch experience we had serving the students yesterday. it made me appreciate those who work in food service that much more!

...my co-worker brought me two care packages filled with goodies while i was sick last week!

...P.M.'s (poetry mentor's) bornday this weekend!!!!!

...that no matter if it's been 2 hours, 2 weeks, or 2 months, talking to you always makes me feel so blushingly beautiful...

...that nighttime is when we have our most "interesting" conversations. yes, we're both lucky my couch cannot talk!!!! LOL

...that you're interested...i just don't think it's a good idea...

...to finally accept the fact that even though i love you--i REFUSE to sweat you...

...the Creator does a FABULOUS job of reminding me why it's ok that i'm still single! ;-)